“You think he’ll be all right?” I asked Nikki and Kate that evening, not even bothering to say Taylor’s name – it was obvious who I was talking about. The three of us stood on the balcony of The Coolangatta Hotel’s bandroom, not far from the bar, a spot that gave us a decent view of the stage. The opening band for the Queensland tour, a six-piece from Brisbane called Sheppard, had finished their set a few minutes earlier. The music that had been playing prior to Sheppard’s set had resumed after they had left the stage, intermingling with the chatter drifting up from the crowd that filled the dance floor. “I mean, that panic attack earlier really knocked him around. The flare-up he had yesterday can’t have helped matters much either.”

“You’d be surprised,” Kate said. She was leaning on the wooden rail that ran along the top of the balcony wall, a clear plastic cup of Bacardi and Coke in one hand. “He’s pretty resilient. Everything that he’s been through…” She trailed off, leaving the end of that sentence unspoken, but it didn’t need to be said – I knew what she meant. “He should be all right, though. If he needs to talk or anything, he’ll let you know.”

“All right,” I said, trying my best not to sound too doubtful. Were Taylor anyone else – one of his brothers, for example – I would have quite happily taken Kate’s response at face value. But knowing what I did about him, I knew better than to do that. I didn’t say anything else, though, choosing instead to lean forward with my elbows propped on the balcony railing, letting my hands dangle over the crowd below, and did my best not to worry too much.

But as it turned out, I had every reason to worry.

The screen of Nikki’s phone lit up not even ten minutes later, her message tone barely audible over the low hum of voices that filled the bandroom. “Oh you have got to be kidding me,” she groaned as she read the message that landed in her inbox.

“What’s up?” Kate asked.

“Taylor just had another panic attack,” Nikki replied. I watched as she tapped back out of her inbox and into her phone directory, and started scrolling through the list of names.

“Why don’t they just cancel the show?” I asked. “Wouldn’t that be the smart thing to do?”

“Beats me,” Nikki replied with a shrug. “You’d think Taylor at the very least would know better.” She found the number she was after and hit dial, putting her phone on speaker, and Kate and I crowded a little closer to her so that we could hear better.

“Hey Niks,” were the first words we heard Isaac say once Nikki’s call had been answered.

“So what’s this about Taylor having another panic attack?” Nikki asked, getting straight to the point. “And why the hell haven’t you cancelled or even just postponed the show? Surely that’s better than just letting him go onstage. We both know what he’s like after it happens.”

There was a pause, and I could almost see Isaac running his free hand through his hair. “Tay reckons he can handle it. Told Caroline that he just needs ten minutes or so.”

“He’s a fucking idiot,” Nikki said bluntly. “Of all the utterly stupid-” She broke off abruptly and closed her eyes, and pinched the bridge of her nose between the thumb and index finger of her free hand. “Are you at least going to talk to him? He can’t keep doing this to himself.”

“Caroline and Joel want to have a meeting tomorrow before we head to Toowoomba. So yeah, I’m going to talk to him about it.” Isaac paused again. “I know he can’t keep doing this to himself, Niks. Believe me, I know. But you know what he’s like.”

“You’d think that he’d know better by now,” Kate interjected.

“Yeah, well, he might be smart as hell but sometimes he acts like a complete idiot,” Isaac said. I could almost see him shrugging as he spoke. “This would be one of those sometimes.”

“I don’t like this,” Nikki said. “I don’t like this one bit.” She let out a frustrated sigh. “If he thinks he can handle it, fine. Don’t stop him from going onstage. Just make sure he knows I think he’s an idiot for it.”

“I’ll let him know, don’t worry,” Isaac said, sounding like he was trying not to laugh. “I don’t know how late we’ll be going onstage, that’ll be up to Taylor. We probably won’t be too late though. If it turns out he can’t make it onstage after all, I’ll let you know.”

“All right. Have a good show.”

“Will do.”

In the end, it was twenty-five minutes to ten before Hanson’s set began. During the twenty minutes between Isaac’s phone call and the house lights going down, I’d been able to hear the crowd growing increasingly restless and more than a little impatient. Knowing what I did about the reason for the delay, every complaint that drifted up from the dance floor frustrated the hell out of me. Not to mention it made me wish they could all just be a little more patient. Any and all grumbling was soon silenced, though, as the opening chords of Valerie rang out across the bandroom, almost drowned out by the cheering that rose up from the dancefloor. And with each minute that ticked by, I slowly relaxed.

He was okay. Even despite his flare-up the morning before and the two panic attacks he’d been slammed with in the space of just a few hours that afternoon and evening, Taylor was okay. I had never been more relieved than I was right at that moment.

“He’s all right,” I heard Nikki say as the first song of the set ended, relief evident in her voice.

“Thank goodness for that,” Kate said, before adding, “He’s still an idiot though.”

“You don’t think he’s hiding it?” I asked.

“It’s possible,” Kate allowed. “But I really doubt it. He has these…I suppose you’d call them tells. If he’s really, properly anxious, there are some things he can’t stop doing.”

“His hands, for example,” Nikki continued. “They shake pretty much constantly when he’s anxious, and he tends to clench them into fists so you can’t see it. Even though it hurts like hell sometimes.” She pointed down at the stage. “See, he’s not doing it at the moment. He tends to stutter when he talks as well if the anxiety is really affecting him.”

“He probably should have told you all of this himself,” Kate added. “But I definitely understand why he wouldn’t have. It’s like with all of the shit he went through back then. He hates talking about it unless he absolutely has to. So you know, don’t go getting narky at him for not talking to you about it. Okay?”

“I won’t,” I promised. I knew how that was all too well, and so there was no way I was going to get pissed off at Taylor. He had his reasons, just as I did, and I couldn’t fault him for that.

By the time the band left the stage so it could be set up for that evening’s acoustic set, I had all but forgotten that Taylor wasn’t at his best right now. The only indicator that anything was even remotely amiss was that every few songs during the first half of the electric set either Isaac would go over to Taylor’s side of the stage, or Zac would wave Taylor back to his drums. Even so, I wasn’t overly fussed – they were Taylor’s brothers and knew all about his various health issues, and I figured they were just making sure he was all right.

“How’re you holding up?” Kate asked Taylor around halfway through the short interval between sets. Joel had called Kate’s mobile, knowing that the three of us were hanging out together during the show, and had immediately passed the phone off to Taylor so we could talk to him. “And please be honest.” She glanced over at me. “Ruby will probably smack you if we find out you’re fibbing.”

“Too fucking right,” I said, and both Kate and Nikki burst out laughing. Taylor let out a chuckle of his own before answering Kate’s question.

“I’m okay. Feel like I’m going to fall over any second though.”

Kate, Nikki and I exchanged glances, the look passing between the three of us saying one thing loud and clear. None of us liked the sound of that one bit.

“Do you think you can make it through the rest of the show?” Nikki asked. “Because I am fully prepared to tell Caroline to pull the plug right now if you don’t think you can manage it.”

Taylor didn’t say a word for a little while. “I don’t want to disappoint anyone,” he said, sounding tentative.

Another glance passed between Kate, Nikki and I. “Tay, what does everyone keep telling you?” Kate asked. “Nobody is going to be disappointed if you have to pull out of a show because your health is being a twat. All of us – your brothers, the three of us, the crew, even the fans – we know how dodgy it gets sometimes. We know you can’t help it when your anxiety acts up, or you have a pain flare-up or whatever. It’s just how it is with you.”

“I wish it wasn’t,” Taylor said. He sounded frustrated, and I couldn’t blame him one bit.

“Yeah, we know,” Nikki said, her tone soothing. “Pain in the arse isn’t it?”

Taylor let out another chuckle, this one a little rougher-sounding than the last. “That’s an understatement.” He was quiet for a minute or so, and I could almost see him running the fingers of his free hand through his hair. “I think I can manage going back onstage,” he said finally. “I’ll sit down for the rest of the show. I really don’t think I could stand for the next hour or so anyway.”

“Good,” Nikki said. “Thank you. Promise me something else?”

“Sure.”

“Please let Isaac or Zac take over if you need them to. The last thing anyone wants is for you to push yourself so hard that you end up getting sick. Especially this close to the beginning of tour.”

“You sound like my mother,” Taylor said, sounding more amused than anything else. “Deal.”

“I’m going to hold you to that. You do know that, right?”

“Oh believe me, I know.”

He kept his word. For the rest of the show he stayed off his feet, sitting first on a high stool during the acoustic set, and for the second half of the electric set on his piano bench with his right leg stretched out in front of him. Even from my spot on the balcony I could see that he was feeling more than a bit worn out. But he stuck it out for the last hour or so of the concert, only standing up at the end of the show so he could take his bow with his brothers and their backing band. The last thing I saw as the stage lights went dark was Taylor leaning mostly on Isaac and Zac as he limped offstage.

As soon as I’d made it backstage, I headed off to find Taylor. It didn’t take me long to track him down – after a quick check of the dressing rooms, the kitchenette and the bathrooms, I found him sitting against one of the walls in the pub’s rooftop garden. He had his eyes closed and head tipped back against the wall, his right foot propped up on his left ankle. He didn’t move an inch as I eased myself down onto the pavers next to him.

“How’re you feeling?”

He shrugged. “Tired and a bit sore. And my right foot went numb on me halfway through the acoustic set. Wish it would stop doing that.” He eased an eye open at me. “What about you?”

“I’m fine. I wasn’t in the pit tonight so I’ll be all right in the morning. You’re the one I’m worried about right now.” I found his left hand with my right and intertwined our fingers. “Think you’ll be okay for the rest of tour?”

“Honestly?”

“Yeah.”

He went quiet again for a little while. “I think so. I just need to listen to myself more.” Here he tapped one of his temples, before letting out a quiet sigh. “I’m not looking forward to the lecture I’m going to get from Joel and Caroline tomorrow. It’s going to be almost as bad as one of Mum’s.”

“One of those, hey?”

“Mmm. Gotten more of those than I’d like to admit.” He gave me a small smile, one that didn’t quite reach his eyes, before easing himself upright. I let him lean on my shoulder as I got to my own feet so he could steady himself. “Come on. They’ll be wondering where we’ve got off to.”

The first person we came across on our way back inside was Isaac. He was talking to someone on the phone as Taylor and I slipped back inside, glancing up briefly as we made to walk past. “Yeah, that’s great…thanks mate. Bye,” he said to end his phone call. “You okay?” he asked Taylor almost as soon as he’d hung up.

“Yeah, I’m okay,” Taylor replied, at which Isaac raised an eyebrow. “I am! I mean, yeah, okay, I’m absolutely knackered, I’m aching all over and my fucking right foot’s still numb, but aside from that…” He trailed off and shrugged, as if to say ‘no big deal’. “I just need to get some sleep.”

“Uh-huh,” Isaac said, not sounding quite convinced. “From the looks of things calling a taxi to get you two back to the hotel was probably the best idea I’ve had all day.”

“It’s a fucking ten-minute walk! No cabbie on Earth is going to take a fare that short!”

“You can barely walk right now, Taylor,” Isaac shot back. “That ten-minute walk is going to turn into half a bloody hour if I go ahead and let the two of you head back on your own. Never mind that it’s just about the middle of the night. Mum would have my head if I didn’t make sure you got back to the hotel in one piece.”

The second Isaac mentioned their mother, Taylor’s mouth snapped shut. I’d had the feeling he’d been about to protest being told he couldn’t walk back to the hotel with everyone else – something I agreed with completely.

“He’s right, Tay,” I said. “I don’t think I can manage the walk back anyway. Not this late at night. And I’m fairly sure you can’t either.” I gave his right foot a pointed glance.

“Oh, fine,” Taylor grumbled. “But I want it known that I’m doing this under protest.”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever,” Isaac said. “Taxi’ll pick you two up from outside the surf club across the road in about twenty minutes. Make sure you text one of us when you’re back at the hotel.”

“We will Isaac, don’t worry,” I assured him. “Thanks.”

Taylor was quiet the whole way back to the hotel. It wasn’t until we were back in our room that he spoke.

“I’m not a fucking invalid.”

I poked my head back out of the bathroom, where I’d gone to get ready for bed. Taylor was sitting on the very end of our bed, almost looking as if he was glaring at his feet. “Beg pardon?” I asked, wondering just why he’d said that.

“You heard me.”

I left the bathroom and went to sit down next to him. “Yeah, I heard you,” I said. “I’m just wondering why you said it. We all know you’re not.”

“I just…” He let out a frustrated-sounding sigh. “I could have walked back here. It would have taken me fucking ages because yeah, okay, I can’t exactly walk properly right now, but I still could have managed it. I just wish Isaac could see that sometimes.”

“He did have a point, though,” I said, bracing myself for a loud protest courtesy of one Jordan Taylor Hanson. “Yes, okay, you could have managed it. I agree with you there. You’re as stubborn as they come, you’d have figured it out.” He smiled a little at this. “But look at it this way. I was up on the balcony with Niks and Kate all evening, and my feet and my left knee are caning. I can’t walk too far when they’re hurting that badly, so I can only imagine what it has to be like for you with your foot the way it is right now. I’m really fucking glad that Isaac called us a taxi, because I could not have walked back here. I know that much.”

He went quiet again, and I figured he was processing what I’d just said. “I’m not really supposed to put any weight on my feet when one of them goes numb, anyway,” he admitted at last. “So you’re right. Knowing me I would have broken something, and I wouldn’t have known until the numbness wore off.”

“There you go then.” I earned another smile for this. “Look, tell you what – my crutches are adjustable, and I don’t really need them at the moment. I can get by with just my walking stick. I’ll loan you them until we figure something out. Okay?”

“Yeah, okay. Sounds good to me.”

I gave Taylor a smile of my own before leaning in to kiss him. “I love you Jordan Taylor, no matter what. Don’t ever forget it, all right?”

“Yeah, I know.” He slipped an arm around my shoulders and drew me a little closer to his side. “I love you too.”

---

To everyone’s relief, the rest of the Queensland tour went smoothly. There were no more hiccups when it came to Taylor’s various health issues, which I guessed had a lot to do with what had happened during the meeting the morning after the Coolangatta show. While I hadn’t gone to the meeting, being as I’d felt I would have been intruding on the band’s inner workings, Taylor had filled me in afterward. Not only had both Joel and Caroline put their foot down, but so had his mother.

“So what exactly do you have to do?” I’d asked Taylor once he’d finished telling me about the meeting. We were sitting out on the balcony of our hotel room, taking a break from getting all of our gear packed. It was a spot that gave us a spectacular view of Coolangatta’s Main Beach.

“Stay on top of my meds, for one thing. Keeping up with the Zoloft isn’t a problem, I can’t really function if I skip too many days anyway. Plus the brain zaps are a pain in the arse.”

“I’m sensing a ‘but’ here.”

He’d nodded at this. “I’m supposed to keep up with the Endep as well, even though it doesn’t work all that well anymore. It takes most of the edge off, but that’s all it does these days. But seeing as there’s no way in hell I’m tapering off my meds until after tour…” Here he’d shrugged, as if to say ‘what can I do?’

“What about your painkillers? You could take them, right?”

“I could, except I’m only meant to take them for a few days at a time. I can’t take another dose until tomorrow morning. Codeine’s pretty bloody addictive. If the Endep was actually working properly it wouldn’t be an issue.”

“But seeing as the Endep’s gone and chucked a wobbly on you it’s a bit of a problem.”

“Exactly.”

“What else do you have to do?”

“Same thing you have to – keep an eye out for flares. The second I feel one coming on, I’m supposed to stop whatever I’m doing and tell someone. Have to let someone know if I need an extra day or two off as well.”

He’d gone quiet for a little while after this, and as always I hadn’t pushed him to talk. “You know how there’s at least a day’s gap between every show, like last tour?” he’d asked at last.

“Yeah,” I replied. “You used those days for doing interviews and crap like that.”

“‘Crap like that’, yeah.” This had elicited a quiet chuckle from Taylor, one that had made me crack a smile. “This tour is going to work a bit differently. Isaac and Zac get to do interviews, but I don’t have to if I don’t want to. And believe me, I definitely don’t want to do them. I’m supposed to be ‘minimising stress’” he’d made air-quotes around these two words “so I don’t end up having another panic attack, and interviews are about as stressful as it gets.”

“You seem pretty pleased about not having to deal with journalists and DJs this tour.”

“Oh I am. I’m very pleased. We get to spend a bit more time together, how could I not be?”

“Oh, you’re such a charmer.”

There had, of course, been the occasional question to begin with from journalists about why Taylor was deliberately making himself unavailable for interviews. Not that either of us were paying much attention to any of it. We would read the newspaper articles and listen to the radio interviews, but that was about as far as it went. For my part, I was enjoying playing tourist with my boyfriend immensely. By the time the final show of the tour rolled around, the galleries of our respective phones, our Instagram accounts and the memory cards of our cameras – my little Panasonic Lumix compact, and Taylor’s Canon EOS DSLR – were packed full of photos. Our visits to the Japanese gardens in Toowoomba, Aussie World and the lighthouses at Kings Beach in Caloundra, Alexandra Park Zoo in Bundaberg, Rockhampton’s botanic gardens, and The Strand and the Great Barrier Reef in Townsville. I also had a separate memory card full of photos from each show on the tour that I was very much looking forward to sharing with Lisbeth, Anthony and Ella once I got home from New Zealand in July.

The final stop on the tour was the city of Cairns, up in Far North Queensland. After the show at the Cairns Convention Centre on the fourth of July, we would have a couple of days off to recharge our batteries before heading across the Ditch to Auckland. Cairns was also where we would be parting company with Sheppard – they’d gotten a fantastic reception at every show during the tour, and we were all looking forward to seeing what they got up to next. Dean and Zac had got on particularly well, both of them being drummers, and I’d spotted them comparing notes on their respective drumming styles many times before shows.

“Can I ask you a question really quickly?”

I paused in gathering up the bits and pieces I’d left scattered around backstage at the venue and looked back over my shoulder. Rehearsal and sound check had wound up a few minutes before, and we were all preparing to disperse to various parts of the Convention Centre precinct in preparation for that evening’s show. Zac stood behind me with his hands in the pockets of his jeans, looking uncharacteristically uncertain. It was a look that had me immediately on edge.

“Yeah, sure,” I replied a little warily.

“It’s nothing bad, don’t worry,” he assured me. “Famous last words, I know,” he added when I raised an eyebrow at him. “Just wanted to know what your favourite of our songs is.”

“You could always ask Taylor,” I said as I went back to shoving my things into my handbag. “He knows what it is.”

“Wouldn’t that be a bit weird though?”

I shrugged. “No weirder than my reason for not going to Auckland at the same time as the rest of you.” That was when it clicked. “Oh.”

“Yeah, ‘oh’,” Zac said, a smirk in his voice. “It’s part of the surprise. So I can’t exactly ask him, he’ll wonder why the fuck I want to know what his girlfriend’s favourite Hanson song is.”

“It’s on my Hanson.net profile, but I’ll tell you anyway.” I took my notebook and pen out of my handbag, flipped to an empty page and jotted down the title of the song in question. “How’s prep for tonight going?” I asked as I tore the page out and folded it in half.

“It’s getting there. We’ve almost got the set list sorted – Isaac and I just need to decide on our covers and who’s going first out of the three of us.”

“Could always have a rock off for what order you go in,” I suggested. “Either that or draw straws.”

“We usually have a rock off, yeah. Only problem with that is Taylor knows what Isaac and I usually pick so he tends to win.”

I couldn’t help myself – I snickered, earning myself a scowl from Zac. “Oh come on, it’s funny,” I said.

“What’s funny?” Taylor asked as he came up to Zac and I.

“How you win every time we have a rock off because you always know what Isaac and I are going to pick,” Zac replied.

“Well stop being so damn predictable then,” Taylor snarked, and I snickered again. Zac gave us both the finger as he pocketed the piece of paper I’d given him. “Rue and I are ducking back to the hotel for a bit – see you when we get back, yeah?”

“I probably won’t be too far behind, but yeah,” Zac replied. “I’ll email you the set list once it’s finished.”

Taylor snapped off a quick salute at this, before leading me toward the stage door.

Back in mine and Taylor’s room at our hotel, the Rydges Tradewinds, I went digging around in my suitcase for an outfit to wear that night. “So what cover are you doing tonight?” I asked. I picked a short black skirt out of its pile and held it out at arm’s length. “Zac said just he and Isaac had to work out their covers, so I figured you’ve decided on yours.” I pulled a face at the skirt, tossed it to one side and looked back over my shoulder at Taylor. “Come on, spill.”

“Nope.”

“Pretty please?”

He chuckled and shook his head. “I’m not saying a word. You’ll have to wait like everyone else.”

“At least give me a clue?”

He seemed to consider this for a little while. I watched as he poked around in his own suitcase, presumably looking for something to wear onstage. “Okay,” he said at last, and straightened up. With the index finger of his right hand he traced out two letters in the air in front of him – an H and a backwards C.

“That doesn’t tell me much!”

“It should.” He went back to digging through his suitcase. “Anytime this band popped up on the car radio whenever we were on the road, in particular the song of theirs I’m covering tonight, you cranked the volume.”

I frowned a little. “Okay, that narrows it down a bit. Not by much though.”

He straightened up and gave me a smile. “You’re smart, Rue,” he said. “You’ll work it out.” Here he held up the clothes he’d picked out for the show – a navy blue short-sleeved shirt, and a pair of faded-looking jeans. “I’m taking first shower.”

By the time Taylor was done in the bathroom, I had decided what I was wearing to the show that evening. It was a little too warm tonight for my usual concert uniform, so I’d settled on a blue and white tie-dyed sleeveless dress, dark blue leggings and the nicer of the two pairs of sandals I’d brought with me. One quick shower later I was dressed and combing my hair so that I could plait it, Taylor coming back into the bathroom just as I put my comb down on the vanity. “You look nice,” he commented as I started plaiting my hair.

“Thank you,” I replied, giving his reflection a smile that he immediately returned. “You don’t look so bad yourself.” I pulled my hair over my shoulder so I could finish the tail of my plait. “How are you feeling?” I asked.

He didn’t answer right away, choosing instead to study me for a little while. “All things considered?”

“Yeah.”

“All right, I guess.” He held up his hands. “Hands are hurting a little, but it’s nothing I can’t deal with.”

“Head feel okay?”

He chuckled softly. “I think you’re probably one of the few people who could get away with asking me that. My head’s okay. Not about to have a meltdown anytime soon.”

“Good.” I wound an elastic band around the tail of my plait and shoved it back over my shoulder. “Looking forward to heading to New Zealand?”

“Yep. It’s awesome there – you’d love it.” He stepped aside so I could leave the bathroom. “Sure you can’t come with us on Sunday?”

“Yeah, I’m sure. Wish I could.” I gave him what I hoped was an apologetic smile – I hated fibbing to him, but if Zac and I were going to keep our surprise under wraps it had to be done. “Ready to go?” I asked as I slipped my feet into my sandals and did up the buckles.

“Just about…” He grabbed his phone from the desk and disconnected it from its charger. “Okay, now I’m ready.”

After dinner at Iyara, a Thai restaurant just down the street from the hotel, we met up with everyone else back at the venue. The usual line-up had formed outside the convention centre, stretching what seemed like halfway down Sheridan Street, and as Taylor and I got closer I thought I could see a few familiar faces from previous shows. Hellos were exchanged for a few minutes, photos were taken and a few last requests for songs to be played were called out, and soon enough we were inside out of the early evening heat. Taylor headed backstage as soon as we were inside, leaving me free to track down Kate and Nikki.

“They don’t tell us what covers they do at their tour-end shows either,” Kate said after I’d told her and Nikki about the surprise Taylor had planned for that night’s show. I’d found them in the little café in the convention centre’s outdoor plaza – Kate had a carton of chocolate milk before her, while Nikki was sipping from a bottle of water. “I mean, they give us rough clues if we ask, but that’s all. So it’s not just you he’s screwing with.”

“What clue did he give you?” Nikki asked.

“The letters H and C, and that I crank the volume whenever the song comes on the radio. There’s a lot of songs I do that for, but I can’t figure out…” I trailed off as I realised exactly what song Taylor was covering during the show. “Oh, he didn’t.”

“Who didn’t do what?” Kate asked.

“I just figured out what song Taylor’s covering tonight.” I chuckled. “He’s full of surprises, isn’t he?”

“Oh, he is at that,” Nikki agreed. She finished her water and stood up. “They’ll be letting the crowd in soon, so I reckon we should go find somewhere to hang out during the show. Going to be a bit of a free-for-all tonight.”

The show that night was being played in the convention centre’s Great Hall, a space that tonight looked a lot like the Hordern Pavilion in Moore Park. Ringing the hall on three sides were row upon row of seats stretching toward the high ceiling, with the stage taking up the fourth wall. A couple of stagehands were doing last-minute checks of all the instruments as the crowd streamed into the hall and found places to sit or stand, with most of them staying on the dancefloor. I knew there was no way in hell I would be able to stand until Hanson started their set, so I led Nikki and Kate over to the seats nearest to the right side of the stage. A quick check of my watch gave the time as twenty minutes to eight. Sheppard’s set was due to start at eight-fifteen, and provided they weren’t running late Hanson would be taking the stage at around nine-thirty. Before too long the dancefloor was packed full of people, the low hum of voices that filled the hall adding to the anticipation that surrounded me. It was absolutely electric, and I was loving every second of it.

Sheppard’s final set of the tour was a rousing success. They had the crowd singing and dancing along with every song, including a cover of John Farnham’s You’re The Voice that nearly lifted the roof off the building. It made me even more determined to see them live again the first chance I got.

Just as intermission started, I heard my phone’s text message tone go off from within the depths of my handbag. “That’ll probably be Taylor,” Nikki said as I went digging through my bag for my phone.

“Either that or my mum or dad,” I said as I tapped my phone’s home button. In a dropdown on the home screen was a short text message from Taylor. Having fun?

Lots of fun, I replied. Sheppard were effing awesome. How are you?

It was a little while before I heard from Taylor again. Nervous. Shouldn’t be but i am.

Anxiety being a twat again?

Don’t think so. Don’t want to run for the hills so i think it’s just nerves.

“Watch my things for me?” I asked as I got up from my seat. Kate nodded and gave me a quick salute, and I made sure my pass was on its lanyard around my neck before heading out of the hall. As soon as I found a quiet spot I went through my phone directory, hitting dial once I found the number I was after.

“Hey Rue,” Taylor said once he’d picked up. Even if he hadn’t admitted he was nervous, I would have been able to tell anyway – his voice was shaking a little, something I could only pick up on because I knew him as well as I did.

“Hey Tay.” I debated for a moment or two whether it was worth sitting down on the floor, before sliding down a nearby pillar and stretching one of my legs out in front of me. “A bit nervous?”

“It’s that obvious?”

“Nobody else would be able to tell,” I assured him. “I just know you really well.” I could almost see him smile at this. “Want a bit of a pep talk?”

“You don’t mind?”

“‘Course not.” I shifted my phone to my other hand. “You know your music, right?”

“Like the back of my own hand.”

“Even the covers?”

He chuckled softly. “Yes, even the covers. I could probably play them in my sleep given half a chance.”

I let out a chuckle of my own at this. “Tay, I know you’ve probably heard this a million times already, but being nervous is completely normal. At least the anxiety isn’t being a twat, right? A bit of nerves is nothing you can’t deal with. You’ll be fine once you get out there.”

I had no idea if my little pep talk had even worked at first, not until Taylor spoke again. “Thanks, Rue,” he said, any and all trace of shakiness completely gone. “That helped a lot.”

“Thank fuck for that.”

He laughed. “I’d better get myself ready to go onstage. See you after the show, yeah?”

“Wouldn’t miss it.”

I made it back inside the hall after talking to Taylor just in time, the hum of voices and music surrounding me as I reached my seat. “All good?” Nikki asked as I sat back down again.

“Yep. Tay just needed a bit of a pep talk.” The house lights started to go down, as did the volume level, and I instinctively sat up straighter. “Oh, here we go…”

Unlike the tour’s previous shows, both the house and stage lights stayed down at first. Shadowy figures moved around onstage, and through the darkness I could just pick out the three of them moving to their instruments. It didn’t take me long to figure out that they were keeping the lights off on purpose.

It started with a guitar riff, followed by tambourine and piano. As the first drumbeat sounded the stage lights went up, followed by a loud cheer. The first sound that wasn’t any of their instruments or cheering was Taylor’s voice.

“Woke up this morning from the strangest dream…I was in the biggest army the world has ever seen…we were marching as one on the road to the holy grail…

“Started out seeking fortune and glory…it’s a short song but it’s a hell of a story…when you spend your lifetime trying to get your hands on the holy grail…

“But have you heard about the great crusade…we ran into millions and nobody got paid…yeah we razed four corners of the globe for the holy grail…

“All the locals scattered, they were hiding in the snow…we were so far from home, so how were we to know…there’d be nothing left to plunder when we stumbled on the holy grail…

“We were full of beans but we were dying like flies…and those big black birds, they were circling the sky…and you know what they say, yeah, nobody deserves to die…

“Oh I, I’ve been searching for an easy way…to escape the cold light of day…I’ve been high and I’ve been low…but I got nowhere else to go…there’s nowhere else to go…

“I followed orders, God knows where I’ve been…but I woke up alone, all my wounds were clean…I’m still here, I’m still a fool for the holy grail…I’m a fool for the holy grail…”

An even louder cheer and round of applause went up at the end of Taylor’s cover of Holy Grail, one that I enthusiastically joined in with. He stepped away from his piano and sketched a small bow, one of the biggest smiles I had seen in a very long time on his face. As he straightened up I could see him scanning the crowd, his gaze finally landing on me. Once he spotted me, he gave me a smile – one I immediately returned. Just as we’d done the night we’d met almost seven months earlier.

In that moment, I knew everything would be okay. Taylor and I would be okay, no matter what happened. And for now, as I watched Taylor having the time of his life with his brothers onstage, that was all that mattered to me.

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