Untitled Document

:: epilogue ::

September 2003

“She is the woman with the skull tattoo…her skin is black and her eyes are blue…she takes me to heaven when I think of you…she picked me up in a gutter downtown…she is the woman with the skull tattoo…her skin is black and her eyes are blue…she takes me to heaven when I think of you…she picked me up in a gutter downtown…”

The final chords of Eagle Eye Cherry’s Skull Tattoo sounded, and the crowd exploded. Tonight had just been…phenomenal was probably the only word to describe it. We were living a dream, the three of us – playing to a hometown crowd of fifteen thousand fans. We’d finished the original material portion of the show about three songs earlier, and now were filling in time with covers of our favourite songs. Skull Tattoo had been Cassie’s choice, and our next song was Matthew’s.

“Okay Gosford, our next song is a favourite of Matt’s; it’s Maroon 5’s Harder To Breathe. I want to see your hands in the air, and I want to hear those voices!”

Matthew tapped out the count, and we ripped right into the song.

“How dare you say that my behaviour is unacceptable…so condescending unnecessarily critical…I have the tendency of getting very physical…so watch your step cause if I do you’ll need a miracle…you drain me dry and make me wonder why I’m even here…this double vision I was seeing is finally clear…you want to stay but you know very well I want you gone…not fit to fuckin’ tread the ground that I am walking on…

“When it gets cold outside and you got nobody to love…you’ll understand what I mean when I say there’s no way we are gonna give up…and like a little girl cries in the face of a monster that lives in her dreams…is there anyone out there cause it’s getting harder and harder to breathe…is there anyone out there cause it’s getting harder and harder to breathe…

“What you are doing is screwing things up inside my head…you should know better you never listened to a word I said…clutching your pillow and writhing in a naked sweat hoping somebody someday will do you like I did…

“When it gets cold outside and you got nobody to love…you’ll understand what I mean when I say there’s no way we are gonna give up…and like a little girl cries in the face of a monster that lives in her dreams…is there anyone out there ‘cause it’s getting harder and harder to breathe…is there anyone out there ‘cause it’s getting harder and harder to breathe…

“And does it kill…does it burn…is it painful to learn…that it’s me that has all the control…does it thrill…does it sting…when you feel what I bring…and you wish that you had me to hold…

“When it gets cold outside and you got nobody to love…you’ll understand what I mean when I say here’s no way we are gonna give up…and like a little girl cries in the face of a monster that lives in her dreams…is there anyone out there ‘cause it’s getting harder and harder to breathe…is there anyone out there ‘cause it’s getting harder and harder to breathe…is there anyone out there ‘cause it’s getting harder and harder to breathe…is there anyone out there ‘cause it’s getting harder and harder to breathe…”

Cassie took her turn at the microphone next. “If there are any Nickelback fans in the audience, you’ll know this one well; we’re praying that we don’t butcher this one.” At Matthew’s count we started Where Do I Hide, from Nickelback’s 2001 album Silver Side Up.

“Got a criminal record…I can’t cross state lines…first on the bad list…and you’re last on mine…looking for a scapegoat…long past due…walking down the aisle…staring straight at you…

“I still hear him screaming ‘where do I hide’…and all he asks, and I say ‘hurry inside’…

“He said, she said…no she don’t…be back before morning…and you know she won’t…well I remember that summer…like yesterday…and I remember his mother…as he was dragged away…

“I still hear him screaming ‘where do I hide’…and all he asks, and I say ‘hurry inside’…a whole lotta memory, yours and not mine…and all he asks, and I say ‘hurry inside’…

“I still hear him screaming ‘where do I hide’…and all he asks, and I say ‘hurry inside’…a whole lotta memory, yours and not mine…and all he asks, and I say ‘hurry inside’…where do I hide…”

We played Bon Jovi’s Damned next; the crowd response was growing more and more positive with every song that we played.

“I’m lying here beside you in someone else’s bed…knowing what we’re doing wrong, but better left unsaid…your breathing sounds like screaming, it’s all that I can stand…his ring is on your finger, but my heart is in your hands…

“Damned if you love me, damned if you don’t…it’s getting harder holding on, but I can’t let you go…damned if you don’t need me, damned if you do…God, I wish it wasn’t me standin’ in these shoes…damned…damned…

“A door slams like a shotgun, you jump up to your feet…but it’s just the wind that’s blowing through the secrets that we keep…made me want to want you, God knows I need to need you…by the time this love is over, I’ll be sleeping on the street…

“Why won’t you talk to me…because I’m too blind to see…why won’t you look at me…because I’m afraid to breathe…what do you want from me…all that I can stand…the lies are on my tongue and I can’t turn back I know…my soul is damned…

“Don’t worry…I ain’t gonna call you or hear you say my name…and if you see me on the streets, don’t wave just walk away…our lives are getting twisted, let’s keep our story straight…the more that I resist it, my temptation turns to fate…

Christ my Strat’s getting a workout tonight, I thought as the audience erupted once more. We had two more songs on our list – Puddle Of Mudd’s She Hates Me, and Linkin Park’s Somewhere I Belong. I’d chosen the final song for the night, because it was the perfect song to describe my new outlook on life. I’d found where I belonged, and I was completely happy for the first time in ages. The sooner we get off this stage, the sooner we can get something to eat; I’m so fucking hungry…

We waited for the crowd noise to die down slightly before starting the second to last song in the set.

“Met a girl, thought she was grand…fell in love, found out first hand…went well for a week or two…then it all came unglued…in a trap, trip I can’t grip…never thought I’d be the one who’d slip…then I started to realise…I was living one big lie…

“She fucking hates me…she fucking hates me…la la la la…I tried too hard and she tore my feelings like I had none…and ripped them away…

“She was queen for about an hour…after that, shit got sour…she took all I ever had…no sign of guilt, no feeling bad…in a trap, trip I can’t grip…never thought I’d be the one who’d slip…then I started to realise…I was living one big lie…

“She fucking hates me…she fucking hates me…la la la la…I tried too hard and she tore my feelings like I had none…and ripped them away…

“That’s my story, as you see…learned my lesson and so did she…now it’s over, and I’m glad…‘cause I’m a fool, for all I said…

“She fucking hates me…she fucking hates me…la la la la…I tried too hard and she tore my feelings like I had none…and ripped them away…

“And she tore my feelings like I had none…she fucking hates me…”

I took a deep breath before speaking one last time to the crowd. “Six months ago, I made the most difficult decision of my life. I had to choose between the family I was born into, and the family that I am a part of now. I chose my family now, for when it all comes down to it, this is where I belong. And to finish off tonight, here is Somewhere I Belong by Linkin Park. Sing along if you know the words, and even if you don’t.”

Matthew counted us in, and I sang like I never had before. This was what I had been born to do; this was my destiny.

“When this began…I had nothin’ to say…and I’d get lost in the nothingness inside of me…I was confused…and I’d let it all out to find…that I’m not the only person with these things in mind…inside of me…but all the vacancy the words revealed…is the only real thing that I’ve got left to feel…nothin’ to lose…just stuck…hollow and alone…and the fault is my own…and the fault is my own…

“I wanna heal…I wanna feel…what I thought was never real…I wanna let go of the pain I’ve felt so long…erase all the pain till it’s gone…I wanna heal…I wanna feel…like I’m close to something real…I wanna find something I’ve wanted all along…somewhere I belong…

“And I’ve got nothin’ to say…I can’t believe I didn’t fall right down on my face…I was confused…lookin’ everywhere only to find…that it’s not the way I had imagined it all in my mind…so what am I…what do I have but negativity…‘cause I can’t justify the way everyone is lookin’ at me…nothin’ to lose…nothin’ to gain…hollow and alone…and the fault is my own…and the fault is my own…

“I will never know…myself until I do this on my own…and I will never feel…anything else until my wounds are healed…I will never be…anything till I break away from me…I will break away…I’ll find myself today…

“I wanna heal…I wanna feel like I’m…somewhere I belong…I wanna heal…I wanna feel like I’m…somewhere I belong…somewhere I belong…”

After the final chords rang out, the crowd exploded in cheers and applause all over again. The three of us farewelled the crowd and left the stage.

“Oh my God…” Cassie said as she fell into a chair and grabbed a bottle of water off the table. “How incredible was that?”

“Amazing,” Matthew agreed.

“Phenomenal,” I said. “No, you know what? That doesn’t even do it justice.”

“Mind-blowing?” Cassie supplied.

I nodded. “That’s the one I wanted.” I blew a lock of hair out of my face. “Can you believe it? We got signed a year ago, and now look at us.”

“You know what I think is totally amazing?” Cassie asked after a few minutes of silence.

“What?” Matthew asked.

“We started out as this lowly little group of kids who got their kicks out of playing to packed to capacity bowling and leagues club auditoriums, and maybe recording an independent album once every couple of months just to keep the punters happy. We weren’t even making that much money out of the whole deal; it was just to share our love of music and performing. We had day jobs to pay board to our families. I was a checkout chick. Matt, you worked as an apprentice mechanic. And Tay, you were putting in six hours a day at your family’s video shop. And now…we’re one of most popular rock outfits in Australia today. We’re even booked to play the Livid Festival this year. Doesn’t that amaze you guys?”

I dropped down to the floor and started chewing on a carrot stick. “It amazes me all right. This time last year, I was so unsure of who I was. I didn’t know my true identity, and it scared me a little. I didn’t know where I belonged.”

“Well, here is where you belong, with us,” Cassie said.

“Yeah, I know that now, don’t I? But last year, I didn’t know that. It took the hardest decision of my life to make me figure that out. I might be Jordan Lawyer in here” I pointed to myself “but even though that’s who I am inside, I can’t be that person. That person died when I was adopted twenty years ago. I’m Taylor Kennedy, and I’m proud of it.”

“You know Tay, I’ve been wondering this for the past eight months; what exactly was going through your mind the day you finally realised who you were?” Matthew asked me.

“A lot of things.” I ran my hand through my hair. “I was forced to look inside myself that day, and I found five things that make me who I am. My friendship with you guys, my relationship with you, Cassie, and the Hanson, Kennedy and Lawyer families. I was born a Lawyer, but I’ll die a Kennedy. And I have a whole family in the Hansons. I can’t change any of that. And I don’t think I want to; I think I like being a mixed breed. It makes me special. I wouldn’t be who I am if one of those elements wasn’t there; I’d be incomplete. This band, our career, it’s the icing on the cake.”

“Is that why you chose to stay here in Australia?” Cassie asked me. “Because of us?”

I nodded. “Mostly, yeah. After I announced my decision, do you know what my mother said to me?” Cassie and Matthew shook their heads. “She said, ‘I don’t know what I would do if we didn’t have you, Taylor. We’d be so incomplete without you.’ And she’s right. My parents showed me unconditional love by travelling thousands of kilometres to another country and adopting me, and I know that without me as a part of the Kennedy family, they wouldn’t be the same. I couldn’t do that to them; I couldn’t abandon two of the most important people in my life for a family that I’ve only known since I was thirteen. And I couldn’t abandon the two of you; out of all the friends I have ever had, the two of you are my best friends. I’ve known you the longest, and my life would be nothing without you. I spent a lifetime trying to figure out who I was, where I belonged, when the answer was right in front of my face the entire time. I belong here. I belong here in Gosford, with my friends and my family. Okay, yeah, one half of my family are sadistic, twisted, racist bastards who will never accept me for who I am. They can’t look past the blonde hair, the blue eyes or the eyebrow ring to see who I am inside. But the other half, they accept and love me. My Aunt Jo, she’s probably the best aunt I have; after all, without her pushing my parents to get me my first guitar I wouldn’t be sitting here with you guys. Music is a crucial part of who I am; I would be nothing without my music. And I would be nothing without the two of you.”

From the journal of Taylor Kennedy – September 22 2003

They say that life is a journey. A journey of discovery of your world, of those around you, and of yourself. You oftentimes learn little things about yourself that, up until you embarked on such a journey, you never even knew. Sometimes those discoveries are positive, sometimes they are negative, and sometimes they are a mixed blessing.

My journey of discovery uncovered a great deal about my past that I was never made aware of. I never knew that I had a half sister overseas. I never knew the true reason for the obvious physical differences between myself and the rest of my family. I never knew who I truly was.

That is, until now.

I learned about my family. I found out why my family and I are so different from one another. And I discovered who I was. More importantly, I found the one thing I’d wanted all of my life – acceptance for who I was as a person. I found the place where I truly belonged.

I don’t know why it took me a whole lifetime to realise that my place in this world, my little niche, is with the Kennedy family. I’ll probably never know. But I do know that without them, I would honestly be less than a person. I’d be incomplete. I might have been born a Lawyer, for inside that’s my past, present and future, but to all concerned with outer appearances I’ll always be a Kennedy. I’m the oldest son of Mark and Francesca, and I’m a big brother to Emma, to Oliver and to Lila. I don’t need a piece of paper to tell me that. I know it instinctively. It’s something that I am more than proud of, something that I don’t ever want to change.

Six months ago, my mother said something to me that has stayed with me since. She said, ‘I don’t know what I would do if we didn’t have you, Taylor. We’d be so incomplete without you.’ And she’s right. My parents showed me unconditional love by travelling thousands of kilometres to another country and adopting me, and I know that without me as a part of the Kennedy family, they wouldn’t be the same. I couldn’t do that to them; I couldn’t abandon two of the most important people in my life for a family that I’ve only known since I was thirteen. And I couldn’t abandon Cassie and Matthew; out of all the friends I have ever had, the two of them are my best friends. I’ve known them the longest, and my life would be nothing without them. I spent a lifetime trying to figure out who I was, where I belonged, when the answer was right in front of my face the entire time. I belong here. I belong here in Gosford, with my friends and my family. Okay, yeah, one half of my family are sadistic, twisted, racist bastards who will never accept me for who I am. They can’t look past the blonde hair, the blue eyes or the eyebrow ring to see who I am inside. But the other half, they accept and love me. My Aunt Jo, she’s probably the best aunt I have; after all, without her pushing my parents to get me my first guitar I wouldn’t be in Renegade. I wouldn’t be sharing my love of music with the world.

Renegade started out as this lowly little group of kids who got their kicks out of playing to packed to capacity bowling and leagues club auditoriums, and maybe recording an independent album once every couple of months just to keep our fans happy. We weren’t even making that much money out of the whole deal, maybe a hundred bucks a show if we were lucky. It was just to share our love of music and performing. We had day jobs to pay board to our families. Cassie was a checkout chick. Matt worked as an apprentice mechanic. And I was putting in six hours a day at my family’s video shop. And now…we’re one of most popular rock outfits in Australia today. We’re even booked to play the Livid Festival this year. To me, that’s proof that we’ve made it.

Music is a crucial part of who I am; I would be nothing without my music. And I would be nothing without my family, without Cassie and Matthew. They’re my identity. Even if I had the opportunity to change the past, I wouldn’t do it. As much as I resent my parents sometimes for keeping the truth from me my entire life, I know now why they did it. They wanted me to feel I had somewhere I could call home. They wanted me to know that, no matter what happened, I would always have a family.

I’m proud to be a Kennedy. I’m happy to be who I’ve become. And after all those years of never knowing who I truly was, I’ve finally found what I’ve wanted all along.

I wanna heal
I wanna feel
What I thought was never real
I wanna let go of the pain I’ve felt so long
Erase all the pain till it’s gone
I wanna heal
I wanna feel
Like I’m close to something real
I wanna find something I’ve wanted all along
Somewhere I belong

Somewhere I Belong – Linkin Park

~ fin ~

Chapter Index

Lyric credits:

Skull Tattoo - Eagle Eye Cherry
Harder To Breathe - Maroon 5
Where Do I Hide - Nickelback
Damned - Bon Jovi
She Hates Me - Puddle Of Mudd
Somewhere I Belong - Linkin Park