:: chapter fifteen ::

Engaged. I’m engaged.

That was the sole thought on my mind as Taylor and I walked into work on our first day back after Christmas break. The two of us had been engaged for slightly longer than two weeks, and I still couldn’t believe how lucky I was. This sort of thing only happened in movies, on TV and in books – it didn’t happen in real life.

At least, that was what I had believed before I’d met Taylor almost a full year earlier.

“So did you two have a nice break?” Amaya asked as Taylor and I entered reception. She was leaning forward with her elbows propped up on her desk and hands clasped, and her chin resting on her knuckles. A knowing smile crept onto her face. “Oh yeah, you did. Something good’s happened.”

“And what might that be?” Taylor asked. I couldn’t see his face, but I knew he’d cocked an eyebrow.

“Something to do with your relationship.” She frowned. “Because Isobel has this kind of glow about her, and you look much happier than I’ve seen you in ages.”

Here I looked up just slightly, right as Taylor grinned. “Show her your hand, Issie,” he prompted. I did as I was told, rotating my wrist so that the back of my left hand was facing Amaya. Her mouth dropped open barely seconds later.

“I knew it!” she almost shrieked. She got up from her seat and dashed over to where Taylor and I were standing, and I lowered my hand so that Amaya could get a closer look at my ring. “When did this happen?” she asked without looking up from examining it.

“Christmas Day,” I replied. “At his parents’ house. We went out on the back porch after lunch, and after he told me how much he loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, he popped the question.” I leaned closer to Taylor, and he snaked an arm around my waist. “Obviously, I said yes.”

“Well, obviously,” Amaya said as she straightened up. “So when’s the big day, then?”

“We don’t know yet,” Taylor replied. “We’re still talking about it – all we know is that we want to be married by the end of this year.”

“That’s a quick engagement,” Amaya said. “Any reason in particular?”

Taylor and I locked gazes for just a moment. “There is, but we need to talk to Stephen about it before we can discuss the matter with anyone else,” he replied, sounding evasive. Which I knew he was – something that was a necessity until we’d had a chance to talk the matter over with the higher-ups. Namely, our editor. And I knew exactly what we needed to speak to Stephen about.

“You’re going to talk to him today?” Amaya asked, and I nodded. “Well, I won’t let you keep him waiting, then.” She gave us a bright smile. “Congratulations, both of you – I can already tell that you’ll both be very happy together.”

Stephen was hard at work when Taylor and I stepped up to his office door. Behind us our fellow journalists, photographers and artists were getting back into the rhythm of work, preparing for the upcoming deadline. The first issue of High Fidelity for 2008 was due out at the end of the month, and so everyone was hard at work getting everything ready for its release. I bit my lip when I realised that once Taylor and I left New York, Stephen would be short a journalist and a photographer. And for that I actually felt somewhat guilty. It wasn’t like I was in Taylor’s shoes and already had a job lined up ready to go. I was going to need to find one for myself.

“Come in!” Stephen called, and the two of us entered his office. He didn’t look up from his computer as we seated ourselves before his desk. “And what can I do for the two of you today?” he asked at last, having finished his current task.

“I’ve been offered a job overseas,” Taylor said without so much as a preamble, his voice wavering only slightly. “I’ve accepted it, but I’m not taking the position just yet – it won’t be available until April.” He fidgeted a little. “I thought I should give you as much warning as possible anyway, so you have time to locate a replacement.”

“Well, I definitely appreciate the advance notice,” Stephen said. “Though I will say that we will miss you around here. May I ask who has managed to draw you away from us?”

“Expatriate Productions – it’s a production company in Australia.” He didn’t venture any more information than this.

Stephen seemed to know what Taylor was talking about, however, and nodded in a knowing way before turning his attentions to me. “And you, Isobel? Will you be joining Taylor in Australia?”

“I will be,” I replied quietly. “I haven’t found a new position yet, though, so I was hoping you could write me a reference.”

“I’d be delighted to. I’ll pull your old articles out of the archives as well, so that you can put a portfolio together.”

“Thank you,” I said. I hadn’t even said anything about trying to get another job in the journalism field, even though I’d been seriously considering it. Besides which, I loved being a journalist and there was no sense in wasting my degree. “I really appreciate it.”

Even though I knew it was idiotic of me, I did hardly any work that day. My attention was focused elsewhere – specifically on the tall, thin blonde in the design department whose ring I wore on my finger.

Five-thirty couldn’t come quickly enough. As soon as the minute hand of the small clock on my desk swept past twelve I saved what little work I’d done that day, shut down my computer and packed up my things, swinging my bag over my shoulder as I left my desk. Taylor was waiting in the foyer for me, pacing back and forth with his hands clasped behind his back.

“Who are you, and what the hell have you done with my fiancé?” I asked jokingly as I watched him move restlessly. Almost as soon as I finished speaking he stopped moving and looked at me, and I dashed over to him.

“Damn I missed you,” he whispered as he drew me into a tight embrace. I automatically leaned my head on his chest, pressing my ear close so that I could hear his heart beating. To me it was the most comforting sound in the world – it told me without words that he wasn’t going to leave me, not without one hell of a fight. And I had known Taylor for long enough now to be aware of one fact in particular – except in his moments of extreme weakness, he was a fighter.

“You saw me at lunch,” I admonished playfully.

“For all of an hour! You have no idea how torturous it is for me to be stuck in Design while you’re all the way over in Editorial.”

“Well, I do have some idea,” I replied as we walked to the lift just outside of the foyer. “The number of times I wanted to come across and just jump you…it’s no wonder I got barely any work done today.” I looked up at his face just in time to see him grin wickedly. “Oh no you don’t,” I scolded. “If I can wait until we get home, then I think you can too.”

“You fucking tease,” he groaned. I snickered quietly and turned my attention to the rows of numbers on the wall above the lift.

The lift doors had barely slid closed behind us when he came at me, pinning me to the back wall as he kissed me harder than he had in a long time. Almost in response I brought my hands up and tangled them in his hair, my eyes sliding closed as he started working his way down my neck. His free hand yanked my blouse out from where it was tucked into the waistband of my pants and started creeping up my back toward the hooks holding my bra closed.

“Don’t even think about it,” I murmured. “We’re in public if you don’t mind. It stays on.” I lazily opened one eye and snickered inwardly at the look of utter desperation in his eyes. “Look, we’ll be home in, what, an hour? I’m sure you can control yourself until then.” I spotted his hand creeping back toward the emergency stop button. “Don’t,” I said sharply.

“You suck,” he muttered, sounding almost mutinous.

“Yes, and I also swallow,” I said with a smirk. “Still doesn’t mean I’m going to let you take me here and now. The last time I checked, going at it in public was a criminal offence under the banner of indecent exposure. And I really do not want my entry to Australia to be jeopardised all because I let my fiancé fuck me in the lift.”

“Crude much?” he asked, one eyebrow raised.

“Oh come on, you’ve heard much worse. I know you listened to your brothers’ interview with Howard Stern last year. And I know you downloaded the MP3 of it later on.”

“It’s called blackmail,” he replied. “They know I have it, and they are well aware that if they fuck me around, I’m sending the MP3 to our parents.” He grinned at me. “We might all be grown adults, but even just the idea of our mom’s punishments still have an effect.” With these words he released me, and I took my hands out of his hair so that I could tuck my blouse back in. He was just tidying his hair, using the lift doors as a mirror, when the lift stopped on the ground floor, and we stepped out into the building’s main foyer.

Our journey out to Brooklyn felt like it lasted an eternity. The first thing that Taylor did as soon as our apartment door had been closed and locked behind us was head straight for the stereo and start sorting through the teetering tower of CD cases that were kept on the shelf next to it.

“I thought you wanted to get right down to business,” I said as I came up behind him. “Isn’t that why you tried to jump me in the lift earlier?”

He looked back over his shoulder at me. “Oh I do, believe me.” He found the CD he was looking for and opened its case. “But I have something else in mind for the time being.” Lifting the lid that covered the CD turntable, he dropped the disc into an empty spot on the tray and closed the lid again. “See what you make of this.”

And with these words he picked up the remote and drew me close to his side, walking me out into the middle of our living room. Once we were in a spot clear of any furniture, Ratchet’s toys or anything that could be stepped on or banged into, he pointed the remote at the stereo and turned me around to face him. When the first piano chord of one of my favourite songs sounded, I looked up at him, wondering how he knew – as far as I was aware, I’d never told anyone other than Schuyler. The instant he started to sing, however, all conscious thought fled, and I closed my eyes as I listened to his voice.

“When it’s love you give…I’ll be your man of good faith…then in love you’ll live…I’ll make a stand, I won’t break…I’ll be the rock you can lean on…be there when you’re old, to have and to hold…when there’s love inside…I swear I’ll always be strong…and there’s a reason why…I’ll prove to you we belong…I’ll be the wall that protects you…from the wind and the rain, from the hurt and the pain…

“Let’s make it all for one and all for love…let the one you hold be the one you want, the one you need…‘cause when it’s all for one it’s one for all…when there’s someone that you know…then just let your feelings show…and make it all for one and all for love…

“When it’s love you make…I’ll be the fire in your night…then it’s love you take…I will defend, I will fight…I’ll be there when you need me…when honour’s at stake, this vow I will make…

“That it’s all for one and all for love…let the one you hold be the one you want, the one you need…‘cause when it’s all for one it’s one for all…when there’s someone that you know…then just let your feelings show…and make it all for one and all for love…

“Don’t lay our love to rest…‘cause we could stand up to the test…we got everything and more than we had planned…more than the rivers that run inland…we got it all in our hands…

“Now it’s all for one and all for love…let the one you hold be the one you want, the one you need…‘cause when it’s all for one it’s one for all…when there’s someone that you know…then just let your feelings show…when there’s someone that you want…when there’s someone that you need…let’s make it all all for one…and all for love…”

As the song ended, he aimed the remote at the stereo again. “Schuyler told me,” he said quietly, in answer to my unspoken question. “I asked her what your favourite songs were, and she gave me the full list.”

“Any surprises?”

“Well no, not really, unless you count *NSYNC under that particular heading.” He gave me a wicked grin, right as I felt my face heat up. “Aw Issie, did I embarrass you?”

I let out a slightly hysterical laugh. “Jordan Taylor Hanson, you are absolutely incorrigible,” I mumbled as I grabbed hold of the collar of his shirt. “Which is why I fell in love with you in the first place.”

“So it wasn’t my charm and my good looks, then?”

“Good looks? Perhaps.” I cocked an eyebrow. “Charm? You wish. The amount of charm you possess wouldn’t even half-fill a thimble.”

“That’s a bit below the belt, isn’t it?”

“Oh, shut up and kiss me already.”

As I woke up on the last day of January, it took me a few moments to realise why that particular date was so significant.

Taylor and I had met a year ago today – a year in which my life had been changed forever. And now, only ten-and-a-half months since we had started our relationship, we were engaged and preparing to embark on a new life together in Australia. March twenty-first had been set as the date of our departure from the United States, and we had already notified our landlord of our intention to vacate our apartment. All that needed to be done was to pack what belongings we had brought with us, get our deposit back, and hop on a one-way flight to Tulsa. We would be staying with Taylor’s parents for the two weeks prior to leaving for Sydney.

“What’re you thinking about?”

I slid my gaze to my right. Taylor lay on his back, looking up at the ceiling with his hands clasped over his stomach. He had been much quieter than usual during the last couple of weeks. I still hadn’t worked out why, but I figured that if he needed to talk to someone he would let me know.

“Just about the day we met,” I replied. “Do you know what it was that attracted me to you in the first place?” When he didn’t respond, I took it as my cue to tell him. “It was your eyes.”

“That’s a new one,” he said. He unclasped his hands and raised himself up on his elbows. “Well, do enlighten me.” He raised an eyebrow at me. “And if it has something to do with the fact that they’re blue, I won’t be impressed.”

“That was part of it. But it was also because…well, right after Schuyler dragged me outside after the interview, I told her that I felt like I could stare into your eyes forever. I never wanted to stop.”

“And now you never have to,” he said quietly.

“I never have to,” I agreed. A thought drifted into my head at that moment. “Have you ever heard of Plato?”

“Sort of.”

“He was a philosopher in Ancient Greece. I learned about him in high school. Anyway, he wrote a philosophy text called Symposium – it’s about love, basically. Part of it was a discourse by the playwright Aristophanes about what’s called a twin soul – they’re sort of like soul mates, but where you might have many soul mates in one lifetime you only have one twin soul. It’s essentially your other half. And when you find your twin soul, that’s when you feel completely whole again – as if you’d had an abyss deep down inside, and finding them filled it in.” I found his nearest hand and interlocked our fingers. “I’ve been thinking about it, and I’ve realised that before I met you, there was a gaping hole somewhere in here.” I touched my fingers to my chest, somewhere in the region of my heart. “I think that’s what we are – we’re twin souls. We were always destined to meet. Neither of us would be the same otherwise.”

Taylor was quiet for a while. I was completely prepared for him to laugh at me when he finally spoke.

“I think you’re right.”

“Y-you do?”

He nodded. “I never felt completely whole until we met, either. I…” I watched as he swallowed hard. “When I’m with you, I feel safe.”

“I’m not sure I follow you.”

“Think about what’s in our kitchen.”

I frowned. “Okay, well, there’s the fridge, microwave, oven, sink, dish rack, cabinets, plates, bowls, cutlery, cutting boards, blender, pots and pans, the knife block-” I stopped short as it dawned on me. “Holy shit.”

He nodded. “I told you a month before we started to date that we kept everything sharp locked up. I’m not kidding about that. Mark kept one key to the sharps cabinet on his key ring, and Jess kept the other on a chain around her neck. I was never allowed to touch either key.” He twisted his MedicAlert bracelet around his right wrist. “We have been living here for four-and-a-half months, and that knife block has been sitting out in the open on our kitchen bench that whole time. I’ve missed a total of six doses of my medication since we moved in, and not once have I wanted to take one of those knives and do some sort of damage to myself.”

I opened my mouth to speak, but he shook his head. “No, let me finish. Not only do you make me feel safe physically, but you make me feel safe psychologically.” He tapped his left temple. “I trusted you with my deepest, darkest secrets far earlier than I would normally trust anyone. It only took me two weeks to tell you about not only all of my illnesses, but that I also tried to commit suicide.” He shifted a little closer to me. “I meant it when I said that I had told nobody else about that. You were literally one of the only people outside of my family who knew about it. Schuyler knows now, but I won’t be telling anyone else. There’s nobody else I trust.”

We were both quiet for a little while. “So what do you want to do today?” I asked. “We don’t have to be anywhere in particular – hell, we could stay in bed all day if we really want to.” I stretched, reaching for our bedroom ceiling. “But I kind of want to get out and do something.”

“So do I. Tempting as it is to just laze around here all day, I need to get out of the house. Besides, Ratchet could do with the exercise.”

One subway ride later we found ourselves at the Metropolitan Museum of Art, and headed directly for the museum’s collection of Egyptian art. Our mutual interest in and complete fascination with Ancient Egypt and its culture was just one of the many reasons why I loved him, and it was a source of unending amusement for our respective families that part of each of our courses of study at college had focused on that particular civilisation – Taylor’s had been the art of the Amarna Period, and mine had been the military history of Ancient Egypt.

“We definitely need to spend some time in Sydney when we get to Australia,” Taylor said as I examined an iron and bronze bracelet. “You’d love it there.”

“Doing what?” I asked without looking up.

“Anything you want. We could go to a couple of concerts, poke around art galleries and museums, wander around the aquarium, take the ferry over to Taronga Zoo…it’s an amazing city.” I felt him lean up against my back and drape his long arms over my shoulders. “I think you’d really like one of the museums there – it’s called the Powerhouse Museum. The second-last time we all went to Australia when my brothers toured, Mom took Jess, Ave, Mac, Zo and I there for the day. That place is absolutely incredible.”

“It sounds like it.” I looked back over my shoulder at him. “Are you nervous?”

“Nervous about what?”

“Moving. I mean” I twisted around so that I was facing him “this is huge. For all intents and purposes, this move will be permanent. We won’t be coming back here for anything other than a vacation for a very long time. Doesn’t that freak you out?”

“Do you want the truth?” he asked, and I nodded. “It more than freaks me out. It fucking terrifies me. Put it this way – the longest I have spent away from the United States at any time in my life is slightly more than one year, when we were all down in South America. For this…we’ll be away for at least five. That’s how long my visa lasts for – after that, if I choose to, I can apply to become a citizen.” He smiled slightly. “You could too. I mean, if you wanted to that is.”

“How about we worry about that when the time comes?” I raised up on my tiptoes and kissed the tip of his nose. “At the moment, all we need to focus on is us. Well, that and your birthday.”

He let out a slightly hysterical chuckle. “God that’s frightening. I’ll be, what, twenty-five?” He shook his head. “That’s one birthday I thought I’d never see.”

I didn’t say anything in response to this. I just looked at him, as if I were trying to memorise everything about his face. “We’ll always be together, right?” I asked, cursing myself inwardly for sounding so unsure.

“Always,” Taylor replied. “There is one, and only one thing that could ever separate us, and I’m not letting that happen for a very long time.”

I knew exactly what he meant. It didn’t take a genius to figure it out.

“You do know that’s something we really have no control over, right?”

He nodded. “I’m well aware of that fact. How about this then – I’m hoping it doesn’t happen for a very long time.”

“That sounds much better.”

“I thought it might.” He drew me closer to him and wrapped his arms tightly around my shoulders, and I let out a contented sigh.

This was home to me. Safe in my fiancé’s arms, listening to his heartbeat and feeling him breathe, knowing that he loved me more than anyone else in the entire universe. The two of us could be anywhere on Earth, but so long as he was by my side I knew I would never be alone. I would always be loved, and I would always have someone to love. He would never leave me to face the world on my own.